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Answering an E-mail Survey IDENTIFICATION: *1. Full Birth Name: Aaron Adam Holt. Look! It's a serious answer! Don't get used to it. *2. Natural Hair Color: See #3 *3. Hair Color Currently: See #2 *4. Eye Color At Birth: I can't remember. It was a long time ago. *5. Eye Color Currently: White. Shaded area surrounds black dot in the middle. *6. Height Currently: Taller than my height at birth, I can tell ya that. *7. Glasses/Contacts: Wine/Underworld, yes. *8. Birthdate: I didn't start dating until I was 16. *9. Sign: sqr(3) / 2. But only to a certain degree. . . What? Oh. Sign. Zodiac. Gotcha. Well, Leos don't believe in all that Astrology nonsense. *10. Current Age: Iron *12. Siblings: Jason is the oldest, and he's a hoopy frood; Melissa is a Faire-Nerd, with a pint of Celtic blood. Aaron is the author of this poetry-on-crack; Chad's a hard core Quaker, and so he wears all black. Amy draws the line at art, and so she plays the flute, And Joseph is a Mini-We, except he won't eat fruit. *14. School Attended: Poker at the Pit of Despair (formerly Hentai House) [school, n. 8. Australian. A group of people gathered together for gambling] *15. Current Grade: A *16. G. P. A.: Believe it or not -- GPA (according to acronymfinder.com) also stands for (among other things) the Georgia Association of Planetariums. We'll just assume that it Really stands for Government Property Administrator. In which case the answer is No. *18. Planned College Major: CS -- Conditioned Stimulus. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? *19. Any Piercing: My heart, by way of your indifference to my affection, My mind, which winds unerringly in your direction, And my foot, by way of a pair of dropped wire cutters when they (the feet, not the wire cutters) did not have protection. *21. Any Tattoos: I have "If You Can Read This, You Should Work For The NSA" tattooed on my arm, in Invisible Ink. SOCIAL LIFE: *1. Best Girl Friend: Er. I'm having a little difficulty coming up with a wisecrack answer for this. Stand by. [. . .] So this weasel pulls out a chainsaw, and says, "FRINK!" . . . *2. Best Guy Friend: I apologize for the poor quality of that last answer. Everyone knows that LEMURS say "Frink." *3. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: No/Maybe *4. If No, Current Dating Partner: My dating practices do not resemble a partnership so much as they resemble a corporation. *5. Current Crush: Milk: 2% [crush, v. 9. Archaic. To drink; quaff.] *6. Hobbies: I'm interested in Falconry. [hobby, n., pl. hob·bies. Any of several small falcons of the genus Falco, formerly used for catching small birds or game.] *7. Where Can You Usually Be Found during the week: Utah. A vague answer for a vague question. *7.5. weekends: Norway! N0, just kidding. *8. Who Can You Usually Be Found With: WITH WHOM Can You Usually Be Found? *9. Cell Phone: I _Do_ get a telephone call, don't I? *10. Pager: more [pager, n. 2. A program for viewing a text file a screenful at a time via a text terminal, as opposed to scrolling through it in a GUI window, or catting it all at once to the terminal.] *11. Are You Center Of Attention Or Wallflower: I'm occasionally the Center Of Parade Rest. I guess, if I had to choose between the two, I'd have to pick Center of Attention, because Wallflower means "Any of numerous herbs of the genus Erysimum of the mustard family, having fragrant yellow, orange, or brownish flowers." Although I daresay I wouldn't mind picking Wallflowers. [Note the lack of articles in this question, too; Are You THE Center Of Attention Or _A_ Wallflower?] *12. What kind of automobile do you drive: The Batmobile. And while we're in the Land of Make-Believe, let's pretend that I have a driver's license. *13. What Type Automobile Do You Wish You Drove: M-1 Bradley *14. Who Do You Know Personally That Has The Best Car: Milton ("the gilded car of day"). Alternatively: Troy Vincent, USMC (CAR = Carbine Assault Rifle) *15. Are You Timely Or Always Late: I don't like how this question only gives me two options: Timely, or ALWAYS Late. What about "occasionally tardy?" Huh? Maybe "chronologically challenged," eh? I'll do this question later. *16. Would You Rather Be With Friends Or On A Date: On a date. . . with danger. *17. Where Is The Best Hangout: The gallows. *18. Do You Have A Job: In my Bible. *19. If Yes, Where Is It And What Do You Do: Job 3:14 "With kings and counsellors of the earth, which build desolate places for themselves." *20. Where Do You Attend Church: In the Church building, obviously. What, did you think I'd hang around outside? *21. Are You Active In Your Youth Group: What's up with THAT? When did we start assuming that the recipients of this survey are in Youth Groups? Expect followup questions like, "Are You Active In Your Cartel of Crackdealers" (Yes) and "Have You Stopped Beating Your Wife Yet?" (Mu). *22. Do You Like Being Around People: No. I hate being around people with a passion that is only surpassed by my irritation with silly questions, and my unfortunate tendancy to use sarcasm to answer them. That's why I'm always hanging out with people, you see. I'm a masochist. Actually, I like being around people. I'm just bitter because I couldn't think of a more clever response to this question. Out Of Your BFF's: Believe It or Not -- (according to acronymfinder.com) BFF stands for (among other things) Buffered Flip-Flop. *1. Have You Known The Longest: Binary File-Format *2. Do You Argue The Most With: Blaming Fault-Finger *3. Do You Always Get Along With: Big Frickin' Firearms *4. Is The Most Trustworthy: Believable Fact Finder *5. Makes You Laugh The Most: Bemusing Funny-Fa. . . oh, never mind. *6. Has Been There Through All The Hard Times with you: Me. Um. 'Cos I have, you see. Not like I had a choice or anything, but still. *7. Always Has A Man/Woman: Elizabeth/Ken Lines (married people are like that). *8. Is The Most Sensitive: I'd tell you, but they might be hurt if they found out that I'd mentioned them here. *9. Has The Coolest Parents: There's this girl from Alaska. . . *11. Has The Coolest House: There's this girl from Alaska. . . (I know, shame on me for using the same lame pun twice in a row.) *12. Is The Most Encouraging: OK, so this ferret appears out of nowhere, RUNS across the landscape, and disappears. . . *PERSONAL: *1. Who Is Your Role Model: No, no, the WEASEL had the chainsaw, not the ferret. *2. What are your pet peeves: I don't have any pets. Stupid questions are among my peeves, though. Fortunately, there are no stupid questions. At least, I thought so, until I read this survey. . . *3. How Many People Have You Kissed: Does the Kiss of Death count? *4. What Age Was Your First Kiss At: AT WHAT AGE was your first kiss? And the answer, again, is Iron. *6. Describe Yourself In 6 Words: Reflexive Word In Second Person, Singular *7. Have You Ever Been In Love: Yes, often. While playing tennis. *8. Have You Ever Loved Someone You Had No Chance With: I can't think of anyone I don't have a chance with. Rather, I can't think of anyone WITH WHOM I don't have a chance. Egad, it's contagious. *9. Have You Ever Cried Over The Opposite Sex: What, you mean like, ONE OF The Opposite Sex, or just Cried Over The Opposite Sex In General? *10. Do You Have A "Type" Of Person You Always Go After: Female. Definitely. *11. How Long Was Your Longest Relationship: I've lived with myself for my whole life. *12. Have You Ever Lied To Your Best Friend: If I told you, would you believe me? *13. Ever Wanted To Get Revenge On Someone Because They Hurt You: No, I only get Revenge on people for trivial reasons. *14. Ever Been Lied To By A Significant Other: Just before I shot them. *15. Ever Been Cheated On: In a game of murder, yeah. *16. Ever Said "I Love You" To A Significant Other: If I hadn't, how Significant could this Other have been? Sheesh. Number 17 is missing. Odd, that. *18. Rather Be Dumper Or Dumped: Dumper than what? *19. Rather Have A Relationship Or A "Hookup": A Hookup, like with an arms dealer. A Relationship, like a 1-to-1 between domain and range. *20. Want Someone You Don't Have Right Now: What, exactly, does "Have" imply? Ownership? If so, the answer is "Me." (I lost myself in a poker game. My body, anyway. . . *ahem* Moving right along.) *FAVORITE: *1. Quote: ". (I prefer double to single). *2. Room In house: I like how they capitalize "In" but not "house." I feel grammatically superior. Ahh, pride. =) Or maybe there's some significance to the preposition that I just wasn't aware of. Of which I wasn't aware. Maybe I'll start capitalizing all my prepositions. *3. Girl's Name: So the ferret runs by again. . . *4. Guy's Name: Sorry, it's a Running Gag. *5. Ice cream: I like to do the barbershop bit from The Music Man where they sing a chord of "Ice Cream." You can tell because A) You've heard me sing it before, or 2) Because I use this as a gag later on in the survey. What happened to number 6? Huh? **7. Type of music: I recently emailed Tycho Brahe, regarding Benny Goodman's Wang Wang Blues. I mentioned that, "It don't mean a thang if it ain't got that Wang." He replied, "Truer words have never been spoken." *9. Song: "Ice Cream. . ." See? Told ya so. *10. Shampoo: Does it strike anyone else as odd that they're asking what my favorite shampoo is? *11. Toothpaste: This survey was brought to you by the ADA. *12. Soap: Maybe it's a guy thing. Do girls have a favorite soap? Do you really prefer to be Zestfully clean? *13. Movie: What? Aren't you going to ask me my favorite brand of Q-tip? *14. Actor/Actress: And what are their birthdates? How many movies have they starred in? Who is your favorite director? Why didn't you say "Kirk Westwood"? We both know it's true. Don't lie to me. I'll have you thrown in jail quicker than you can say, "Maligned!" *15. Beverage: And were you drinking this beverage on the night of Dec. 7, 1941? *16. Candy: I'm the one asking the questions here!!! *IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE U: When did this survey start using Newspeak? What's with substituting "U" for "You" ? It's only 2 MORE CHARACTERS TO TYPE! It's so. . . AOL chatroom-esque ! I guess I shouldn't expect so much from forwarded e-mails. *1. Cried: Out, in pain, yes. Cursed wirecutters. . . *2. Bought Something: Legally? *3. Gotten Sick: Of this survey, yes. *4. Sang: "Ice Cream. . ." OK, ok, I'll stop here. And what happened to number 5? These numbers are disappearing all over the place, and I want to know who's responsible for it. *6. Been Kissed: I kissed my butt goodbye in the game of WizWar that I mentioned earlier. *7. Felt Stupid: Yes. When I realized that I had answered question #6 after question #19, and that one would have to read the survey backwards in order to get the answers in correct chronological order. *8. Said "I Love You": How about "I want your body." Does that count? *9. Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved Them, but didn't: No, but I wanted Someone to tell me they loved me, but they didn't. (sniff, sniff) *10. Met Someone New: I saw an infant the other day, but I don't know if that quite qualifies as "meeting." *11. Moved On: No, I've been sitting perfectly still for the last 48 hours. *12. Talked To An Ex: No, but I spoke with a Why. *13. Missed An Ex: I never miss. *14. Talked To Someone You Have A Crush On: Talked To Someone ON WHOM I have a Crush! Aargh! *15. Had A Serious Talk: I _HAD_ a Serious Talk, but then I lost it in a poker game. *16. Missed Someone: I never miss. *17. Hugged Someone: Does wreslting someone to the ground and taking their wallet count? *18. Fought With Your Parents: Parents = Money. And I don't fight with money. (I love you, Mom!) (. . . and Dad!) ; ) *19. Fought With A Friend: Several friends, actually (in a game of WizWar). *20. Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: INSIDE JOKE WARNING! Sh-boom, Sh-boom! Life could be a dream. . . *21. Had a lot of sleep: Who do you think you're talking to? Rip Van Frickin' Winkle? This is AARON we're talking about, people! Get with the programmer! I think it's funny how the question format suddenly changes from being numbered to being in capital letters. Somebody was smoking something when they wrote this survey, and I think I sold it to them. SEX: I'm going to ignore the standard smart-alec responses to this question and ask WHAT THE FNORD IS THIS QUESTION DOING HERE? "Oh, I think I'll fill in this survey-thing and send it to all my friends, so they can get to know me better, but Wait! What if some of them forgot my gender?! I'd better remind them, Just In Case." No, I think this question is here DELIBERATELY to PROVOKE smart-alec answers. So, just to be Contrary, I'm going to put down a serious answer! Ha! Male. LIVING ARRANGEMENT: I try and arrange it so that I'm the one who ends up living. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS?: T-H-E-Y-S-U-C-K-,-E-H-? [Leos don't believe in Ouija boards, either.] YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW: TV is for the weak-minded. True disciples of the mind play video games. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?: A mouse. What kind of dumb question is that? FAVORITE BOARD GAME?: So I'm playing this game of WizWar, when all of a sudden, this ferret shows up out of nowhere. . . FAVORITE MAGAZINE: A loaded one, preferably high caliber. Oh, wait. . . you mean a Periodical? Never mind. FAVORITE SMELL: Black cloaks and hoods, with dark and sinister theme music. [smell, v., intr., To appear to be dishonest; suggest evil or corruption.] BEST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Oh, Amber! WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Aha. . . uh. . . er. . . you're. . . not Amber. I meant, uh. . . FAVORITE SOUNDTRACK: I like the theme music that Cronk does in "The Emperor's New Groove." Ba-da-da-DUUUM! WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP?: Choose one of the following: A) My, those roses smell nice, don't they? B) Ah, I've recovered from the sedative. Now, how to escape? C) Curses. D) Millenium Hand and Shrimp! If you chose A, turn to page 237. If you chose B, turn to page 238. If you chose C, slap yourself and then go back and choose B. If you chose D, Bugrit. DO YOU GET MOTION SICKNESS?: No, I get e-Motion sickness. ROLLER COASTERS -- SCARY OR EXCITING?: if (roller_coasters == scary || exciting) return TRUE; else roller_coasters = "lame." Hmmm. TRUE. PEN OR PENCIL?: This is a difficult question. While the pen is mightier than the sword, a mechanical pencil can be used to pump someone full of lead. I choose the pencil. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?: That depends on who is calling. 3 rings for Elven Kings, 7 for the Dwarf Lords, 9 for Mortal Men, 1 for the Dark Lord. FAVORITE FOODS?: I'd answer this question, but my mouth is too full of E.L.Fudge cookies. Mmmm. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?: Ah, a truly difficult decision. It is an ice cream koan. CROUTONS OR BACON BITS: Not with my ice cream. . . DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?: An M-1 Bradley, yes. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?: I have a stuffed ferret. No, really! It's not just a gag this time! Well. Sort of. And no, I don't sleep with it. We're just friends. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO?: Alive. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK: Lemme see, which alcoholic drink do I enjoy Not Drinking the most? "Johnny Jump Up," anyone? WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE POET?: My favorite poet you'll have to guess - Which of the poets do I like the best? From those I like more to those I like less, Guess the best from the rest and I'll be impressed. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI?: Not with my croutons and bacon bits. . . GUYS -- IF A GIRL ASKED FOR THE SHIRT OFF YOUR BACK, WOULD YOU GIVE IT?: Gladly. It's the shirt off my front that I'm worried about. GIRLS -- WOULD YOU EVER ASK A GUY FOR HIS SHIRT?: They're always asking me for mine. ; ) WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT MANY PEOPLE MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT YOU?: About a billion Chinese people don't know I even exist. How's that? WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?: Paint. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?: I'm more concerned with whether the drink is poisoned. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SNAPPLE?: That depends. Is it half empty, or half full? ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY OR AMBIDEXTROUS?: I'm Ambisinister. Dmitri, on the other hand (haha), is generally right-handed. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE CORRECT KEYS?: Of course. Using the correct keys is one of the key concepts of cryptology. Ahaha. IF YOU COULD BE ONE GARDENING TOOL, WHAT WOULD YOU BE?: The Garden Weasel. I'm halfway there already. This, by the way, is a stupid question. If you could be any kind of monotreme, what would you be? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NUMBER?: e, naturally. I know, I know, it's irrational. . . FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH: Soldier's Portable On-System Repair Tool. This question indicates, to me, how severely LAME our society is becoming; it asks our favorite sport to Watch rather than our favorite sport in which to Participate. What are we, then? Sofa vegetables of assorted shapes and sizes, too indolent to actually engage in physical activity, but content to watch it? Are we Television Zombies? What, do we just sit in front of the computer screen, answering forwarded e-mail surveys all day long? Also note that Sport means (in Biology) to mutate. Keen, hey? It also means, ahem, "Amorous dalliance." Now guess which sport I like to participate in most. SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON(S) WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Nice can also mean profligate, which means "Recklessly wasteful; wildly extravagant." SAY SOMETHING MEAN ABOUT THE PERSON(S) WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: Oh, yeah, let's increase the bitterness and disillusionment in the world. Good one. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND: Melissa Holt. Um. Because her e-mail account seems to have expired. [Dictionary Definitions brought to you by Dictionary.com] #22. Do you like Contents? Footnotes: *I widened the text column for this page because it looked cramped. If it looks stupid or if it doesn't fit in your browser window, it's your fault.

Author: Aaron Holt (aah57 at email dot byu dot edu)