Gag the Ferret
In the midst of myth, of action and adventure,
A red herring happens, repeating without censure.
The occurrence was covered up, as well as it was
able,
From the epic of Arabian Nights to the Knights of
the Round Table.
Launcelot and Ivanhoe, from Caesar to Galahad,
All the epic works of Homer, in every single
ballad;
Jason and Ulysses, the famous poets sing,
Saw the strange occurrence both while traveling.
It happened to all adventurers, in every time and
place,
From the very realm of Hades to the reaches of
outer space.
It's told by story-tellers every time they try to
tell it:
The appearance in a story of a re-occurring
ferret.
How it gets to places where it does it, no one
knows,
But the even bigger mystery is where the ferret
goes.
People wonder if it's a hoax, or if the ferret's
feigned
Because no one has an answer, knows how it is
explained.
From the accounts of all the victims, this is what
they see:
A ferret appears at point A and runs off to point
B.
No one ever wonders, neither do they care
If this running ferret ever runs to anywhere.
It scurries across the landscape, always on the
run--
Is running for eternity really any fun?
But it's final destination, no mortal man can
know:
Where, the humans ask, does the stupid ferret go?
A phenomenon of rodent, in drama gaining fame,
An infamous running ferret -- "Gag" is the
ferret's name.
Where did the name come from? from whom did it
inherit?
Why "Gag" the name for the eternal fame of this
furry ferret?
An artist sketches pilgrims traveling on his
easel.
What animal hides in background? - no, it's not a
weasel.
Not a fox nor squirrel, but the ferret is the
beast.
We wish someone'd explain to us a basic reason,
at least.
"I really wish he'd stop it!" said Hercules (in
Greek).
"That's the third time the ferret's appeared to
me this week!"
"I don't know about it," said Robin Hood one day,
"It's a thing I can't explain and I wish it'd go
away."
Said Thor, "That stupid ferret is clearly quite a
dolt.
If I could get a clear shot, I'd strike it a
thunderbolt."
And Zeus, "He keeps appearing, in reality and in
dreams;"
Clearly, the running rodent is smarter than it
seems."
Said famous Ali Baba of the forty thieves,
"It's strangely silly; it comes and then it
leaves."
Aladdin: "I saw it in the desert, I thought 'twas
a mirage."
Paul Bunyan said he saw it in the logger's
logging lodge.
Somewhere in legends, occurs in every tale,
A ferret in the plot makes the characters go
pale.
Whenever action is dropping off, when the plot
begins to lag,
You know with an assurance there'll be a Running
Gag.
-Aaron Holt, May 1, 1997
(minor phrasing modifications made later)
I see no ferret.
Take me back to to the Contents.
Footnotes:
*There are no footnotes. There have never been any footnotes. Don't even ask about the spoons.
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