Intro Sampler Contents Humor Non-Humor Downdates Lynx Someday, this column may contain more links.

Special Guest "Dmitri" Answers an E-mail Survey FULL NAME: Dmitri. Do not ask more, is all can I say. For now. 1. LIVING ARRANGEMENT? I have an. . . arrangement with Meester Aaron "Eh" Holt. He is my. . . arms supplier. Heh Heh Heh. 2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Am reading Tolstoy's "War and Peace." Well, first half, anyway. Just "War." 3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Contact Poison. For unsuspecting Enemy Agent. Heh Heh Heh. 4. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Manifesto. Is like Monopoly, except not buying property, is confiscating for gowernment. And Community Chest really mean it. . . . No, there is no "Get Out Of Work Camp Free." 5. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? Fortune 5,000,000,000. Dmitri must be in there somewhere. 6. FAVORITE SMELLS? Smell of Victory. 6b. LEAST FAVORITE SMELLS? Smell of Victor. 7. FAVORITE SOUND? Ping. (Is sub-standard noise) 8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? To be alone is maybe worst feeling. Lovely Melani has left, and may not see her again - So Dmitri has written poem for her. ~ 5 CARD STUD ~ Love is like cards in Poker game - Luck sometimes favors, sometimes not. In this case, I reveal with shame, I bet with cards I have not got. What cards have I now to be played? Lesser cards, but these will not do; Eight, nine, ten I have in Spades, But only Royal cards fit for likes of you. Diamonds are girl's best friend, they say, But no diamonds here; I having Jack. One last card is there left to play - I have more than just suit in black. Heart is King over all I have here. With straight face, the game I call. A winning Hand, I may appear, But without Queen, I have nothing at all. --Dmitri 9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Is that Napalm I smell? 10. FAVORITE COLOR? Violet. Dmitri can have engaging conversation on why Violet is favorite. If not Violet, then Red, obwiously. 11. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Phone is tapped. Do not answer. 12. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? Ivan. Is Terrible name, I know. 13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE? Now surwey is talking like Dmitri. Heh Heh Heh. Question of Most Important Thing In Life is a Difficult One. Slashdot (www.slashdot.org) survey results say MOST IMPORTANT THING IN LIFE IS Food and Water: 10% Reproduction: 22% Bandwidth: 41% This Isn't a Real Poll: 10% Often heard story of Zen Master asking student, "What is Most Important Thing In Life?" Student says, "Foo." [Truth, Discipline, Beer, Et Cetera] Master dunks Student's head in bowl of water for a while. After letting Student up, Master asks again. Student says, "Breathing!" This is to show importance of breathing in martial arts. Dmitri thinks this is Super High Intensity Teaching. Experiment is Rigged. New Hypothetical Situation: Dmitri asks Zen Master, "What is Most Important Thing In Life?" Zen Master says, "Breathing." Dmitri sends Zen Master to Miserable Siberian Work Camp for a while. After 5 years, Zen Master returns to Dmitri. Dmitri says, "How was Breathing at work camp?" Zen Master says, "Foo." [I really hate these smug Russian S.O.B.s*] Dmitri says, "Now you think maybe, Most Important Thing In Life is not Breathing? Maybe, Most Important Thing In Life is not Living, because everyone die eventually anyway? Perhaps Most Important Thing In Life is Living WELL, in DOING something with life? Maybe Most Important Thing In Life is Not Living In Miserable Siberian Work Camp, you are thinking, yes? Or maybe you think, there are the REAL Important things, like Principles, or Doing Right Thing, and they are more Important even than Not Living In Siberian Work Camp? Or maybe you are just thinking, what is best answer so Dmitri does not send me back to frozen wasteland?" Zen Master thinks deeply, especially about that last one. Dmitri says, "Most Important Thing in Life is a Difficult Question. Don't hold your breath for the answer, though." 14. FAVORITE FOODS? When liwing hand-to-mouth existence, any food is faworite. Except stem of Broccoli. That will I newer eat. Death is first. Yech. . . . Oh, and "Cold Rewenge" is good family recipe. Wery satisfying. 15. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? Basketball Ice Cream, or nothing. 16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? Speed is irrelewent. . . . ACCELERATION is fun part. Heh Heh Heh. 17. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? Do you want to sleep with fishes? If so, ask again, and weight for answer. 18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Red Storm is Cool, when Rising. 19. FIRST CAR? First Car was Dodge Wiper, but wery small. "If not Micromachines, is not real thing." . . . Was Hand-me-down. 20. IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE. Vlad, the Impaler. That is question; Dead, Alive, or Undead? We could play Poker. Stakes would be high, I bet. (I cast aspersions** on him being vampire) Why Vlad, you say? Because I am a Slav to my culture. Heh Heh Heh. 21. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? "Ivan Jump Up." . . . Is famous Russian Vodka. 22. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN? Swat team showing up at door is good sign of ZODIAC (Zones Of Drug Intelligence ACtivity). 23. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? Foolish American Surwey, have you not been listening? 24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT BE? Bank. 25. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR? Famous Russian saying: "Old hair never dyes, it just fades away." 26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? [Currently Unable to Display Russian Characters]*** Ah, you Americans are not knowing true meaning of love. Or true value of vodka, now I am thinking about it. 27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? After drinking half glass of Ivan Jump Up, you are NOT caring whether glass is half empty or half full; you are caring whether brain is not exploding in next five minutes. After five minutes, then worrying about which way up is. 28. FAVORITE MOVIE: Famous tragedy, "Hunt for Red October." Very deep movie. Has few defects, though. 29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? Dmitri is dictator (Holt is typist). 30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? Secret plans are Not hidden under bed. Also, weapons and ammunition are Not hidden behind sofa. . . . You are Not knowing this, because I am Not shooting you if you look under bed or behind sofa. Are we Not Understanding? Good. 31. FAVORITE NUMBER? 485650789657397829309841894694286137707442087351357924019652073668698513401 0472374469687974399261175109737777010274475280490588313840375497099879096539552 2701171215702597466699324022683459661960603485174249773584685188556745702571254 7499964821941846557100841190862597169479707991520048667099759235960613207259737 9799361886063169144735883002453369727818139147979555133999493948828998469178361 0018259789010316019618350343448956870538452085380458424156548248893338047475871 1283395989685223254460840897111977127694120795862440547161321005006459820176961 7718094781136220027234482722493232595472346880029277764979061481298404283457201 4634896854716908235473783566197218622496943162271666393905543024156473292485524 8991225739466548627140482117138124388217717602984125524464744505583462814488335 6319027253195904392838737640739168912579240550156208897871633759991078870849081 5909754801928576845198859630532382349055809203299960323447114077601984716353116 1713078576084862236370283570104961259568184678596533310077017991614674472549272 8334869160006475859174627812126900735183092415301063028932956658436620008004767 7896798438209079761985949364630938058633672146969597502796877120572499666698056 1453382074120315933770309949152746918356593762102220068126798273445760938020304 4791227749809179559383871210005887666892584487004707725524970604446521271304043 21182610103591186476662963858495087448497373476861420880529443. Is cryptic answer, I know. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? SPace Optical Radar Tracking. 33. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Mr. Holt, he is an excellent host -- Is always willing to lend a hand. 34. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? The Zen Master. 35. PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Enemy Agent. Survey was rigged with bomb. Heh Heh Heh. *Sons Of Babushkas **aspersion, n. 2. A sprinkling, especially with holy water. ***Aleksandr Sergeevich Pushkin Back to Silly American Page. Footnotes: *I widened the text column for this page because it looked cramped. If it looks stupid or if it doesn't fit in your browser window, it's your fault.

Author: Aaron Holt (aah57 at email dot byu dot edu)